Thursday, 6 December 2007

Who's in the Guard Room?

[A bit of fun loosely based on The text of Abbott & Costello's classic routine - Who's on First]

A General visiting the Wittenland garrison enquired of the Colonel in command about the officers:

General: As you're the Colonel of the Garrison, you must know where all the officers are.
Colonel: I certainly do.
General: I've never met the officers here . Can you tell me some of their names ?
Colonel: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these officers now-a-days very peculiar names.
General: Where are the senior officers ?
Colonel: Who's in the Guard Room, What's in the Barracks, I Don't Know is in the Powder Room...
Colonel: I'm not sure I understood what you said, who's in the Guard Room?
Colonel: Yes.
General: I mean the officer's name.
Colonel: Who.
General: The officer in the Guard Room.
Colonel: Who.
General: I'm asking you who's in the Guard Room.
Colonel: That's the officer's name.
General: That's who's name?
Colonel: Yes.
General: Well go ahead and tell me.
Colonel: That's it.
General: That's who?
Colonel: Yes. PAUSE
General: Look, have you got someone in the Guard Room?
Colonel: Certainly.
General: Who's in the Guard Room?
Colonel: That's right.
General: All I'm trying to find out is what's the officer's name in the Guard Room.
Colonel: No. What is in the Barracks.
General: I'm not asking you who's in the Barracks.
Colonel: Who's in the Guard Room.
General: I'm only asking you, who's the officer in the Guard Room?
Colonel: That's right.
General: OK.
Colonel: Alright. PAUSE
General: What's the officer's name in the Guard Room?
Colonel: No. What is in the Barracks.
General: I'm not asking you who's in the Barracks.
Colonel: Who's in the Guard Room.
General: I don't know.
Colonel: He's in the Powder Room, we're not talking about him.
General: Now how did I get to the Powder Room ?
Colonel: Why you mentioned the senior officer's name who run's the Powder Room.
General: If I mentioned the Powder Room officer's name, who's in the Powder Room?
Colonel: No. Who's in the Guard Room.
General: What's in the Armoury ?
Colonel: No, What's in the Barracks.
General: I don't know.
Colonel: He's in the Powder Room.
General: There I go, back to the Powder Room again! PAUSE
General: Would you just stay on the Powder Room and don't go off it.
Colonel: Alright, what do you want to know?
General: Now who's in the Powder Room ?
Colonel: Why do you insist on putting Who in the Powder Room ? Who is in the Guard Room.
General: I don't know. Together: Powder Room ! PAUSE
General: Look, have you got a Physician in this garrison ?
Colonel: Sure.
General: The Physician's name?
Colonel: Tomorrow.
General: You don't want to tell me today?
Colonel: I'm telling you now.
General: Then go ahead.
Colonel: Tomorrow!
General: What time?
Colonel: What time what?
General: What time tomorrow are you going tell me who's the Physician?
Colonel: Now listen. Who is not the Physician.
General: I want to know what's the Physician's name?
Colonel: What's in the Barracks.
General: I don't know. Together: Powder Room ! PAUSE
General: If I go for walk round the Garrison then, who will be in Guard Room, what will be in the Barracks and I don't know who is in the Powder Room.
Colonel: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
General: I don't even know what I'm talking about! PAUSE
Colonel: What?
General: I don't care
Colonel: Oh, that's our Provender.
General: Aargh*%$! ! If you don't mind I'll go for a walk round on my own ...

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